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Due to the current financial situation caused by slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a program to put workers 60 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selecting to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will also qualify under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Now, persons who have been RAPED can also get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. (Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.) Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS: Please accept our apologies, but unfortunately, due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the L.E.T. Program (Light at the End of the Tunnel) has been turned off.
The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selecting to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will also qualify under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Now, persons who have been RAPED can also get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. (Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.) Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS: Please accept our apologies, but unfortunately, due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the L.E.T. Program (Light at the End of the Tunnel) has been turned off.
COMMUNITY WITH A LARGE
PROBLEM AND A 
PROBLEM.
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