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• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the fire department usually uses water.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the fire department usually uses water.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.